Daily Archives: May 15, 2007

All together now!

“Ding Dong The Witch is dead.
Which old Witch?
The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.
Wake up -you sleepy head,
rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead.
She’s gone where the goblins go,
Below – below – below.
Yo-ho,
let’s open up and sing
and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong’ the merry-oh,
sing it high,
sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Witch is dead!”

LYNCHBURG, Va. – The Rev. Jerry Falwell – founder of the Moral Majority and one of the greatest forces for evil the world has ever known- died Tuesday after being found unconscious in his office, a Liberty University executive said.
Ron Godwin, Liberty’s executive vice president, said Falwell, 73, had been found unresponsive around 10:45 a.m. and was taken to Lynchburg General Hospital.
Godwin said he was not sure what caused the collapse, but noted that Falwell had “a history of heart challenges.” The principle one being his lack of that organ.
“I had breakfast with him, and he was fine at breakfast,” Godwin said. “He went to his office, I went to mine and they found him unresponsive.” Many close to Falwell attribute the collapse to his reading the New York Times notice of the 2007 Tony Awards Nominations — the prospect of a Kiki and Herb win clearly being too much for him.
Falwell, a television evangelist who founded the Moral Majority in 1979, became the face of the religious right in the 1980s. He later founded the conservative Liberty University and served as its chancellor.
In the 1980s, Falwell saw his political lobbying organization grow to 6.5 million members, raising millions of dollars for conservative politicians and helping to elect Ronald Reagan president.
A biography of Falwell on Liberty University’s Web site states that “with the impetus of the newly organized Moral Majority, millions of people of faith voted for the first time in 1980 and helped elect Ronald Reagan and many conservative congressmen and senators.” He utilized this power base to become America’s most relentless homophobe, rallying his troops to oppose for basic civil rights legislation at every turn while claiming that AIDS, sundry unrelated natural disasters (earthquakes, tsunamis, etc.) and even the 9/11 attacks were the work of a God punishing mankind for its same-sex-oriented “sins.”
Falwell survived two serious health scares in early 2005. He was hospitalized in February for two weeks with what was described as a viral infection, then hospitalized again in March with congestive heart failure after being found unconscious. At that time he had to be resuscitated by EMTs at the hospital emergency room.
A native of Lynchburg, Falwell and his wife, Macel, have three children and eight grandchildren.
His Jerry Falwell ministries take in about $200 million a year in revenues, according to Liberty University’s Web site — ill-gotten gains that an equitable tax structure, recognizing religion as a profit-making mass delusion would have eliminated years ago.
Liberty University’s commencement is scheduled for Saturday, with former U.S. House Speaker Newt Gingrich as the featured speaker. Needless to say Gingrich is using this occasion to kick off a Presidential bid. Falwell’s corpse will doubtless make a nice platform for Gingrish to stand on.

And now the choir will sing a favorite funeral hym — written by a Berlin named Irving.

“Oh
I got a message from below
‘Twas from a man I used to know
About a year or so ago
Before he departed
He
Is just as happy as can be
I’ll tell you what he said to me
He said, “If ever you get heavy-hearted

Pack up your sins and go to the devil in Hades
You’ll meet the finest of gentlemen and the finest of ladies
They’d rather be down below than up above
Hades is full of thousands of
Joneses and Browns, O’Hoolihans, Cohens and Bradys
You’ll hear a heavenly tune that went to the devil
Because the jazz bands
They started pickin’ it
Then put a trick in it
A jazzy kick in it
They’ve got a couple of old reformers in Heaven
Making them go to bed at eleven
Pack up your sins and go to the devil
And you’ll never have to go to bed at all

If you care to dwell where the weather is hot
H-E-double-L is a wonderful spot
If you need a rest and you’re all out of sorts
Hades is the best of the winter resorts
Paradise doesn’t compare
All the nice people are there
They come there from ev’rywhere
Just to revel with Mister Devil
Nothing on his mind but a couple of horns
Satan is waitin’ with his jazz band
And his band came from Alabam’ with a melody hot
No one gives a damn if it’s music or not
Satan’s melody makes you want to dance forever
And you never have to go to bed at all!”

But enough levity. After all, a man is dead. And considering the fact that being a religious leader, death was his business, wasn’t it? So here’s a deeply moving number from Jerry’s uh. . . employer :

“Cain slew Abel Seth knew not why
For if the children of Israel were to multiply
Why must any of the children die?
So he asked the Lord
And the Lord said:

Man means nothing he means less to me
Than the lowliest cactus flower
Or the humblest Yucca tree
He chases round this desert
‘Cause he thinks that’s where I’ll be
That’s why I love mankind

I recoil in horror from the foulness of thee
From the squalor and the filth and the misery
How we laugh up here in heaven at the prayers you offer me
That’s why I love mankind

The Christians and the Jews were having a jamboree
The Buddhists and the Hindus joined on satellite TV
They picked their four greatest priests
And they began to speak
They said, “Lord, a plague is on the world
Lord, no man is free
The temples that we built to you
Have tumbled into the sea
Lord, if you won’t take care of us
Won’t you please, please let us be?”
And the Lord said
And the Lord said

I burn down your cities-how blind you must be
I take from you your children and you say how blessed are we
You all must be crazy to put your faith in me
That’s why I love mankind
You really need me
That’s why I love mankind”

So endeth the lesson.