Scene: A Blasted Heath Somewhere in the Cinematic Unconscious. Death sits at his chessboard mulling over a move.

Death: That damned Kubrick! Skunked me again!

(Ingmar Bergman enters skipping — a big smile on his face)

Bergman: Hi Mom!

Death: Don’t “Hi Mom!” me! After all these years you finally show up. You never write, you never call. And after all I’ve done for you. Would a “Thanks” on the end credits be too much to ask for? You know you owe me bigtime for Cries and Whispers. And what do I get? Bupkis!

Bergman: Well you get nothing but non-stop praise from Woody — isn’t that enough?

Death: Don’t get me started on that meeskite! Him with his Asian nymphets — don’t you think that’s sick?

Bergman:After Hour of the Wolf don’t you think you’re asking the wrong person on that score?

Death: Well maybe you’re right. But you didn’t have Max Von Sydow actually fuck the boy.

Bergman: Too Dennis Cooper.

Death: Now there’s a grateful offspring. Such a good boy. Sends me Daft Punk MP3’s and everything.

Bergman: Well he hasn’t had such good luck with movies, has he?

Death: Oh you think you were up to adapting Frisk I suppose?

Bergman: I was never into that scene.

Death: Why you missed it I’ll never know. Right after All These Women my first thought was “He’s going to go gay!” Instead you gave us lesbian vampires in Persona.

Bergman: Well I had a gay character in From the Lives of the Marionettes.

Death: Your worst film.

Bergman: David Ehrenstein liked it.

Death: Her? What does she know?

Bergman: I love it when you get bitchy. So Eva Dahlbeck.

Death: Well you can take that up with Eva yourself you know. She’s here. And you exes and girlfriends

Bergman: There really IS a Hell!

(Slow fade to black accompanied by the Andate con moto of Schubert’s Piano Trio Number 2 in D Flat, D. 929)