Monthly Archives: July 2007

Richard Cohen, the Capo di Tutti Capi of Pravda wusses, wants you to know that he’s, uh. . . . peeved with Fred Thompson.

“Thompson does not always tell the truth. He clearly did not when it was revealed that back when he was a lobbyist, he worked for a family-planning outfit. Such honorable work is, of course, verboten to most Republicans, and so, for understandable but inexcusable reasons, Thompson — through a spokesman — lied. There are nicer words, I know, but when you give the impression that what is true is false, that is a lie.”

Cohen must have had lunch with David Broder yesterday.

But why take such strong exception to the Law and Order semi-star who hasn’t-announced-his-candidacy-though-even-my-cat-knows-he’s-running ?

“It hardly matters to me that Thompson once lobbied for the National Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association. But the issue is not abortion, as some would have it, but truthfulness, candor, honesty — call it what you will. The clear impression that we’re entitled to take away from this episode is that when faced with some unpleasant truth, Thompson fibs. It ain’t nice. It certainly ain’t presidential.”

Of course as everyone knows the “issue” very much is abortion. The Republican party is unalterably opposed to it in all its forms — including any discussion of the subject as a possible option. The party, in the grand American tradition of Hawthorne’s Reverend Dimsdale, hates sex — even as it indulges in it to the extent of allowing a male prostitute access to the White House, overnight stays included.

But to Cohen that’s an issue of little importance compared to the Number One Menace to American Today ….

John Edwards’ hair.

“Lest you think I am some sort of partisan hack, I have similar misgivings about John Edwards. Here, too, the issue is not what he paid his barber but his apparent willingness to trim the truth. He can’t — I can’t stop myself — brush that away.”

Yes we do think you’re a partisan hack.

And you could use a trim.

“Not that Edwards hasn’t tried. His spokeswoman, Colleen Murray, also attempted the old disparagement trick, comparing the haircut imbroglio with matters of cosmic importance. “Breaking news — John Edwards got some expensive haircuts and probably didn’t pay enough attention to the bills,” she said. “He didn’t lie about weapons of mass destruction or spring Scooter Libby ; he just got some expensive haircuts.”

Hmmm. Maybe Pravda should ask Billy Linich to write an op-ed

“Yes, he did. And he got them over and over again, sometimes summoning hairstylist Joseph Torrenueva of Beverly Hills to appointments on the campaign trail. When that happened, Edwards had to pay not only for the haircut but for Torrenueva’s airfare and hotel as well. A session during the 2004 race cost $1,250. On at least one occasion, Edwards paid the $400 personally”

Yes, Billy’s the go-to-guy for this.

And in conclusion, here’s the title tune from the Rent of its day:

“She asks me why
I’m just a hairy guy
I’m hairy noon and night
Hair that’s a fright
I’m hairy high and low
Don’t ask me why
Don’t know
It’s not for lack of break
Like the Grateful Dead

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain’t no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my…

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy
Shining, gleaming, streaming
Flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted
Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!

Oh say can you see
My eyes if you can
Then my hair’s too short

Down to here
Down to there
Down to where
It stops by itself

They’ll be ga ga at the go go
When they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond
Biblical hair

My hair like Jesus wore it
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don’t my mother love me?

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair!”