“Did You Hear the One About the Anal Cyst?”

Ahem!

ยป Political commentator, radio host, college drop-out, alleged
closet homosexual, and, as recently revealed, synthetic heroin
drug addict, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III is probably the best
known neocon personality in American radio.

What’s with the “alleged”?

“Born in Cape Girardeau, MO, in 1951, Limbaugh spent many of
his formative years pursuing a career in radio.

After using his pilonidal cyst – a congenital birth defect – to
avoid military service in the Vietnam War, Limbaugh briefly
worked for radio stations in Pittsburgh, PA and Kansas City,
MO. Fired from both jobs, he worked as a wiener salesman for
the KC Royals baseball franchise, eventually slithering back into
the radio business.”

Slithering weiners!

“In 1971 Limbaugh attended Southeastern Missouri University,
where, according to reports, he had a brief but heated affair
with Elliot Sanders. So gay is Limbaugh, guarantees Sanders,
that, “none of his marriages was ever consummated.”

Gotta consult my Julia Child for a good consume recipe.

“Many of Limbaugh’s fans staunchly deny the man’s alleged
homosexuality, and Limbaugh himself says the rumors are
politically motivated lies. However, one is forced to doubt
Limbaugh, who has a history of denying and balking at rumors
that are later revealed to be true. His pilonidal cyst, his
pseudonymous career in Pittsburgh radio, and his addiction to
Oxycontin are all facts which Limbaugh initially denied or
concealed.

After more failed stints with Missouri radio stations Limbaugh
moved to Sacramento, CA, where he met and became “friends”
with Norm Woodruff, a flamboyant, openly gay man with a
great deal of influence in the local radio scene. Woodruff, who
mentored Limbaugh in the ways of affluence and elitism (traits
Rush mocks today), would later died of AIDS.”

“Through his ties to Woodruff Limbaugh was given Morton
Downey, Jr.’s spot on KFBK News Talk 1530 a.m. Within
twelve months Limbaugh had become the most popular radio
personality in Sacramento. In 1988 he signed on with EFM
Media Management, working from New York City.

For a short while Limbaugh plateaued, until the success and
enormous popularity of a Democratic president provided him
with a reason to whine.

The popularity and charisma of President Clinton enabled
Limbaugh’s hate-filled show to appeal to millions of bitter
American conservatives. Limbaugh’s unique combination of
prevarication and histrionics provided a sense of unity for
otherwise incompatible demographics, such as Klansmen and
Wall Street stock brokers.”

Not as incompatible as you might think, these days.

“By the mid-90’s Limbaugh’s promoters had co-opted his show
to enough nationwide syndicates to claim Limbaugh was the
“most popular radio personality” in the country. Technically this
was false. However, the free handout out of Limbaugh’s show
to any station that wanted it resulted in Limbaugh being the
most listened-to man on a.m. radio.

After miserably failing on television, Limbaugh spiraled into
depression, eventually becoming addicted to pain pills
prescribed to him for his pilonidal cyst (a.k.a. “Butt Boil”). For
nearly eight years Limbaugh abused Hydrocodone, a synthetic,
stronger version of heroin.”

“In effect, Limbaugh spent nearly a decade stoned off his
bleeding backside, and ultimately built up his tolerance to levels
requiring dozens of pills per day in order to, as Limbaugh once
confided in his maid, “get my buzz on.”

A textbook example of the damning effects of drug abuse,
Limbaugh’s addiction precipitated a swift drop in weight,
deafness in both ears, and a marked decline in mental faculties.
He also became increasingly paranoid – requiring his provider to
meet him at night behind restaurants, next to dumpsters,
where he’d hand over cigar boxes stuffed with “cabbage” (cash)
in exchange for some “little baby blues” (pills). Limbaugh’s
desperation peaked in 2003, when he groped his provider in an
attempt to check her for a wire tap.”

See? That grope proves he’s straight. Right?

“By late 2003 the whole world knew of Limbaugh’s drug
addiction, though by virtue of their lack of character the
majority of his fan base remained loyal listeners. Limbaugh’s
show remained popular, despite the rapid rise of Liberal Talk
Show host Al Franken and the dogged attempts by the Bush
administration to shut down long time talk show staple Howard
Stern.

In May 2004 Rush’s third wife, Marta, grew tired of never
having sex with her allegedly closeted homosexual of a
husband, and so asked for a divorce. Limbaugh complied after his
desperate wife agreed to never reveal the true nature of Rush’s
sexual perversion.”

Sing us out boys!

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